I really hate that I’m writing this right now on November 2nd in the Year of Our Lord 2016, nearly a month before Thanksgiving and nearly two months before Christmas. But here I am, talking about the other side of the insanity known as the Great Culture War. Yes everyone, it’s that time of year again when Starbucks releases its holiday cups and some people lose their damn minds.

Like carols, Black Friday, and an annual excuse to get drunk in front of extended family, it seems the hubbub over a commercial coffee cup is turning into an American tradition. Before I go any farther, let me show you the cup I’m talking about.

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Oh horrors…it’s worse than I thought.

Green and white minimalist design? Interconnected cartoons of people?! SEASONAL DRINKS ON NOVEMBER FREAKING 1st?!

It’s…it’s the end of the world. The apocalypse is upon us, the great persecution is nigh! I think I can hear the trumpets blasting in the distance and the blood-curdling, spine-chilling laughter of demonic entities far beyond the limits of human sanity. Dark, dark days are ahead.

First off, Starbucks has released a statement explaining that this isn’t the holiday cup. It’s a very limited edition cup for the 2016 Election, to remind us that even if we have our differences we’re all in this together. And if that sentimentality isn’t enough to suit you, well, at least it’s a reminder that your actions will ultimately come back to bite you in the ass since we’re all so interconnected.

Second, Starbucks is not now, nor has it ever been, a Christian company. Full stop. They aren’t required to do anything seasonal in the first place. If they wanted to they could keep the regular ol’ green cups with tentacle-lady year round.

And finally, Starbucks has never actually put the words, “Merry Christmas!” on their holiday cups. Sure, they had ornaments, snowmen, Santa, and the like in the past, but never anything overtly religious.

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If you aren’t familiar with this absurdity, it started last year when Starbucks had the audacity to make their holiday cups an ombre red with their logo in the center. To me that doesn’t scream, “Anti-Christ conspiracy,” it screams, “Cheap.” It seems more like the decision made at a business meeting than one made at a black sabbath, but what do I know?

Here’s my gripe with this whole debacle, and it’s a two-parter: people are complaining about the secularism of a holiday cup on November 1st and next is that this is an actual complaint.

Look, when people talk about Christian persecution in a thoughtful and mature way I’m more than happy to listen. There is real persecution, and (provided you’re a law-abiding citizen) there is no acceptable reason for religious persecution. Here’s the rub: it’s not happening in the United States of America. So while you whine about a private corporation making an in-house design call that really has no bearing on your day-to-day life, other people are being oppressed, if not arrested and tortured for their Christianity. Oh, but a coffee cup is the real harbinger of doom. I think I can hear the clip-clop of the Four Horsemen as I type.

And doesn’t it seem ridiculous that people believe a holiday/Christmas cup was actually released on November 1st well ahead of Christmas 2016? If anything, that extension of the Christmas season is what cheapened the holiday; not a coffee cup. The corpse of Halloween 2016 isn’t even cold in the ground and some radio stations are already playing Christmas music and stores have begun their Christmas advertising.

Call me crazy, but I think the soulless consumerism is the real problem, not Starbucks’s coffee cup design.

Once this horrendous election is over and Starbucks releases their official holiday cup I’m sure there will be a whole new wave of impotent rage, and the Great Culture War will continue.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you stick around.

A luta continua.


7 thoughts on “The Great Culture War Continues (or Starbucks is under attack…again)

    1. I just think it would be funny if Starbucks decided to stick with the standard white and green cup year round. “Evidently we can’t please people, so we’re just going to stick with the usual design…also it’s cheaper.”


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